After this post I expect one of two things to happen, the subscriptions to the blog will go through the roof as the new-age crowd jumps on the Raider’s Progress bandwagon, or our constituent population will call me in and I’ll be carted off to the looney bin.
But I can’t be stopped! Last night I had a wow dream. If you’re reading this blog you’ve had wow dreams too so stfu. The wow dream was basically that me and some homies were in wow. It was sort of like wow is now but more personally engaging. You know that hovering over your shoulder thing you get in dreams. It was like that; very different from the playing video games in your mom’s basement thing that our community is so well known for. So there I am hovering over the shoulder of this wow guy, hanging with some friends. We heard that this guild was going to go burning through an old instance from a previous expansion so we decided to go tag along to see some badass bosses that we had never seen before. I mean this is like WOW 2022, so there have been a lot of expansions. Like 30. Its basically become like magic cards. Once the expansion machine started rolling, they gouge you. Anyway…
So we go to this snow covered field area and there is this pheonix guy sitting on top of a crypt entrance with a huge ass raid of people spread out around him VR-style. They are in mid fight, and there are all these baby pheonixs popping all over the place, but they are just mowing them down, lazy-stye. It’s an instance from a previous expansion remember. We don’t participate in the fighting. People’s characters look pretty sweet. You know how when you currently cast a spell it looks like you’re getting sea-sick for a moment and then you jam your arm in the air like youre doing a disco move from 1973. Its not like that. Its cooler. And everyone is wearing different shit, which is also a revelation for some sad reason. But this is the future baby! 2.1 billion dollars a year times 13 or so years and wow finally has enough money to stop recycling the clothing.
So we go into the crypt thing and then shit gets weird. We enter a huge ballroom and there is no one in there except for the employees. The waiters are sitting around chatting at one table, and this venezuelan looking old guy comes up to one of the raiders and says, “this is so interesting, we havent seen anyone around here for a long time, lets start the event.” Then, these bolivian hand-pipe musicians come out, sort of spread out around the room, and start jamming. It was badass. They frickin rocked. Maybe they were peruvian. I’m not sure. Cuz thats the thing, its 2022. These aren’t toons that all look the same. They are actual employees of this instance. These guys ARE bolivian hand-pipe musicians. So, they rock, but at the end they don’t seem too happy about it. I don’t blame them. This thing is like naxx is now. There probably hasn’t been anyone in this joint since 2016. The old dude is cool tho. Sort of creepily cool.
Because it’s a wow community. In the end, about 5 people of the 40man acknowledge that the event is awesome. The rest of the raid is pissed because they wanted to do one of the newer instances and they are missing out on much needed DKP points for “their” upcoming something-or-other-weapon.
At this point the raid takes off in some labryinth of hallways to go to the next instance. One person has been here before. My friend and I have no idea where we are going, and promptly get lost. We end up in this area of the instance that I don’t think raids are supposed to go to. Its basically set up like a four-star hilton, with the catch that people have re-appropriated it to permanently live in. It’s full of all the people that used to run the instance and now have nothing to do. There’s an instance mob doing his laundry. We start panic-ing a bit and running around and just trying all these different doors. People are sleeping in one room, watching TV in another. There are families. It’s really strange. Then, another south american guy walks out of the restroom into the hotel hallway in his tighty whities, and my friend and I are like, “damn, we are so lost”.
At that moment, the old dude comes out and is really calm about the whole thing. He’s says something like, “It’s ok, no, no, you aren’t supposed to be here. But it’s just so fascinating to have people around again.” It’s really a sad moment for some reason. We ask him if he can get us back to our raid. He sort of looks disappointed and says, “No, you dont deserve to be with them. They are engaging the last boss, who is very cool indeed, but because you and your friend here are just spectators and have neglected us all here, you won’t be seeing the last boss. you haven’t earned it.” This sucks.
All of a sudden we are out of there and walking around the hallways again. I don’t when but we end up in a hallway that transitions from hotel living quarters to hotel-active-instance. All of a sudden there is this gust of wind and my friend gets whipped into a room that looks like one of the palatial rooms in the movie Amadeus. There is a Steinway grand piano in there and he gets whipped over to it. The steinway is forcing him to play a Liszt Piano Concerto at like 40 times the speed. It’s painful. My friend is freaking out. it sounds like crap, and is really really loud. All of a sudden this girl comes barging out of a side door. She was in the middle of getting ready to go out or something and she’s hella pissed. She starts screaming at me and my friend. “You assholes! You’ve started the Ballet Mechanique Event! Its tuned for 40 people and now its all broken cuz its just you and your stupid friend. ARRRRGHGHGHGHGHGH! Why can’t you leave us alone!”
All of a sudden we are in a garage that opens out into the country-side. There are motorcycles there. We get on the motercylces and ride off into the morning light over snow covered fields. There are rabbits, and deer, and shit. These motor-cycles coast on snow-covered fields like water-skiing on a lake as smooth as glass. It was the best part of the whole dream.
So, this is definitely what wow is going to be like. In a post tomorrow I’ll talk about why not many people play wow in the future. The dream showed me many things, and in particular, the critical game flaws that will be addressed by competitors in two years time.